So who knew my second day of blogging would end up being so heavy and well, depressing. I don't like to be a downer or seem like I do a lot of complaining. I know it isn't fun to listen to that, but damn it, this is my blog and my place to vent.
Last night was really nice. I went to the nail salon with the girls and got to relax. I got a pedicure and got my nails done. It was all in all a much needed evening. That changed though once I got home and settled in before bed.
I laid there and started thinking, which I tend to do entirely too much. Lately, with everything that has happened in the past 6-8 months, I've realized more and more that my issues with rejection and feeling like I'm not good enough are becoming more than I can handle. I know nobody likes rejection or takes it good, but I feel like I take it way harder than I should. I've spent the last few weeks doing nothing short of obsessing over the situation with Ben. It is almost like I sit here and torture myself. I think about how he didn't want me because he still hopes she'll come back. I think about how even though she walked out on him chose this, she still gets to call the shots. I think about how I'll never be that important to someone. I think about how I wasn't good enough....wasn't as good as her. I think about how he liked me so much at first and how that disappeared so quickly. I think about how I have so many issues that nobody will ever be able to deal with me. I think about how in my heart I feel like I'm going to always be alone. I think about how I'll never be married and have a real family. I think about how I'll never truly know what love is between myself and a man. And I think about how much this all breaks my heart.
In case anyone other than myself is reading this, I'll give you a little background information about myself and my theory on maybe why I am so effed up. I could be wrong, but it seems logical or at least seems like a good place to put the blame on my issues. I was adopted when I was 2 days old. Growing up, it never bothered me. I had a wonderful adoptive family and to me they were my family and always have been. As a teenager, I started acting up and getting into quite a bit of trouble. I started to feel like my parents compared me to my older sister, who was their natural born daughter. I always felt like Kristi was the favorite and honestly, I still feel that way. I've never been good at dating, ever. I didn't date much as a teenager. Honestly, it didn't seem like guys were never really interested in me. I didn't get asked on dates or have many boyfriends at all. As I started to get a little older, I dated more and started to see some of the issues I have. I always thought it was the guys I was dating, but the more it happens, the more I feel like it is me.
I can't control the feelings of rejection and not being good enough. I feel like I'm broken and cannot be fixed. At the rate I'm going with the issues I have, I'll never have a normal relationship. It kills me inside to feel this way. I'm. just. sad.
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