this is getting heavy.

So who knew my second day of blogging would end up being so heavy and well, depressing. I don't like to be a downer or seem like I do a lot of complaining. I know it isn't fun to listen to that, but damn it, this is my blog and my place to vent.

Last night was really nice. I went to the nail salon with the girls and got to relax. I got a pedicure and got my nails done. It was all in all a much needed evening. That changed though once I got home and settled in before bed.

I laid there and started thinking, which I tend to do entirely too much. Lately, with everything that has happened in the past 6-8 months, I've realized more and more that my issues with rejection and feeling like I'm not good enough are becoming more than I can handle. I know nobody likes rejection or takes it good, but I feel like I take it way harder than I should. I've spent the last few weeks doing nothing short of obsessing over the situation with Ben. It is almost like I sit here and torture myself. I think about how he didn't want me because he still hopes she'll come back. I think about how even though she walked out on him chose this, she still gets to call the shots. I think about how I'll never be that important to someone. I think about how I wasn't good enough....wasn't as good as her. I think about how he liked me so much at first and how that disappeared so quickly. I think about how I have so many issues that nobody will ever be able to deal with me. I think about how in my heart I feel like I'm going to always be alone. I think about how I'll never be married and have a real family. I think about how I'll never truly know what love is between myself and a man. And I think about how much this all breaks my heart.

In case anyone other than myself is reading this, I'll give you a little background information about myself and my theory on maybe why I am so effed up. I could be wrong, but it seems logical or at least seems like a good place to put the blame on my issues. I was adopted when I was 2 days old. Growing up, it never bothered me. I had a wonderful adoptive family and to me they were my family and always have been. As a teenager, I started acting up and getting into quite a bit of trouble. I started to feel like my parents compared me to my older sister, who was their natural born daughter. I always felt like Kristi was the favorite and honestly, I still feel that way. I've never been good at dating, ever. I didn't date much as a teenager. Honestly, it didn't seem like guys were never really interested in me. I didn't get asked on dates or have many boyfriends at all. As I started to get a little older, I dated more and started to see some of the issues I have. I always thought it was the guys I was dating, but the more it happens, the more I feel like it is me.

I can't control the feelings of rejection and not being good enough. I feel like I'm broken and cannot be fixed. At the rate I'm going with the issues I have, I'll never have a normal relationship. It kills me inside to feel this way. I'm. just. sad.

hit me with your best shot.

This is my first blog. I've considered starting one for awhile, mostly for myself. I enjoy writing (typing?) and it may be a good way to get things out....so we shall see.

I'm not sure where to begin. I'm 27 and the mother to the most amazing 5 year old little girl. So I'm biased, so what. Sydney is my smart, sweet, beautiful daughter. I moved to Hurst about 7 or 8 months ago and started working for the Dallas Morning News. It has definitely been a huge culture shock coming from a small town, but I am adjusting and it is going verywell at this point.

Life has been somewhat of a rollercoaster, though I'm sure to some extent that is the case for most people. For myself, I am referring to the craziness that has been my dating/love life. I know everyone has certain things that they are really good at and other things that they aren't so good at. My 'not so good at it' list includes dating. Honestly, it has never been anywhere but on that list for me. I'll get more into why I think this is the case as I post more.

Basically, I have decided that taking a 'break' from dating and anything dating related is the best thing I can do for myself right now. Through recent experiences, I've come to realize more and more what some of my issues are and now I'm trying to figure out how to deal with them or make them a little better. Right now, I'm going to focus on myself and Sydney. Hopefully this is going to make a big difference in my choices and approaches to these situations once I am ready to put myself out there again.

Now for some excitement....you ready? I'M GOING TO VEGAS ON FRIDAY! I am super excited. My cousin/best friend in the world is getting married at Planet Hollywood on Saturday. We have been counting down to this trip for about 9-10 months, so it is almost surreal that it is only 3 days away. I haven't been on a plane since I was a kid, so I am somewhat nervous about that. I might need to make a airport bar pit stop! I'm rooming with Amber and Kirk, which should be fun and interesting. I know we're all going to have a great and crazy time. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! Right?!

If I don't get a chance to blog again before heading out, I will definitely give a trip synopsis when I return. So much more to come....stay tuned!